History Lesson

I think its about time that I told you a bit about me. I have been over weight since leaving school at 15. or rather I started putting the weight on when i left school, and its been a ever losing battle since. I left my home town when i was 21 years old to live on a narrowboat (see my website www,jambuttycrafts.com i remember then that i weighted 15 stone 1 lbs (211lbs) since then its just crept on. I have always eaten healthily, I never have nor will ever fry food in a frying pan with oil, nor do i own a deep fat fryer! YUK! the work of the devil them things are!, If I need to do eggs or something its ALWAYS dry fried maybe a squirt of 1cal fry light if I remember!. I dont do sweet stuff like cakes and rarely biscuits (but when i do do biscuits i eat the whole pack!) I dont do sweets, I do do pies choccy savory stuff. 
I have always battled with my weight but i have always been able to maintain while i have been trying to lose weight, i may lose a few stone but it always goes back on again BECAUSE.... I battle to lose weight for 11 months of ever year, I see hardly any results for my hard efforts, so i give up for about 3 to 4 weeks and say SOD IT! and eat what i want, this results in putting on 25 30lbs then i wake myself up and re-start my battle. the constant trying and getting hardly anywhere is very hard to take, but thats how its always been for me. I lost 28lbs 2 years ago but i had to walk for between 3 and 4 hours EVERY day! that's what it takes for me to lose weight as my addiction and craving for food is so bad. but i can no longer do that amount of walking as my son is out of his pram and cant walk that far and my knee is still playing me up after injuring it swimming!. 
I know what I have to do.....EAT LESS!. Simple...just eat less....sounds soooooo easy!...sometimes my food addiction, I even think that it maybe a physical thing and not just a mental thing. ..I really need to get a grip and write more of these blogs, its making me see ME. 
fat and greedy, has no control and even when i do try hard and battle to get control over my eating it makes me unhappy after a few weeks of trying. Its like WHY CANT I EAT WHAT I BLOOMING WELL LIKE!!!!!!! danger danger!. I know that i cant eat what i want if I'm to win my battle over food and flab. I had a very bad childhood, where as I am not a bad person who goes around committing crimes, then says oh! i did it cos i had a crap childhood!, no no no, I am a good person who is responsable for my actions and who knows right from wrong. its the emotional neglect that I had to suffer and that is still with me to this day. my mum became a alchololic after years of violence from my dad, she left him when i was 5, she met another violent man who near dam killed her, she had a brain hemorage after he hit her over the head when i was about 9, she came out of hospital and hit the drink, after that she didnt even clean the house let alone gave us (me and my brother he died aged 27 of drug overdose) any love or cuddles. and the feeling of loneliness is still very much with me. i have loads of friends and family but no one calls me or visits me, they are so sick of listening to me telling them, i started me diet again! or i lost 3lbs this week, on and on and on....every time i talk to anyone, like i think they would be interested to hear it again! they've listened to it for 20 odd years!... no wonder I'm alone. .. I hear low self esteem every where i go yet where is it? what is it? how can i get some? do I have some, do I not?. living in my body and my emotional shortcomings you would understand. Oh! how life messes with your head and makes you fat!. 
ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH. I told my blog way to much tonight thank you!. 

I want to be addicted to something else, i want to "cross addict" myself to exercise. i read it somewhere! beating one addiction only to become addicted to something else, usually they mean from drugs to drink, drink to fags, ooops! I mean cigarettes!***grinning***. i want to make my cross addiction from food to exercise. Hummmmmmm!!! 

so far today its been a good day, i still have about 500 cals to eat and i have done 53 mins of walking, not quite my 60 mins target but i have been busy working on the new sign for our new shop. so, 

SCORES ARE AS FOLLOWS:- 
FOOD ADDICTION. WON 8 / LOST 8 
LAZYITIS. WON 12 / LOST 4 
CALORIE ALLOWANCE, UNDER 10 / OVER 6. 

I will go now and read BOTZZZ's blog for my daily Virtual Mental Workout. He Da Man! 

Happy Happy Happy 
Jane.xxx.